She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize