Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
