First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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