Ambien. No doubt about it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
