She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
