i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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