Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
