I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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