I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
