question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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