trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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