Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize