I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
