You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
