I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
what day is it and did you see me today?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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