I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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