Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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