i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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