it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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