guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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