I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
