Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
birth control should be required to get into college
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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