Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
