turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
