We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
