I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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