She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
