3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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