i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
