i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My pussy is not your playground.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
