dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
