I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
