He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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