she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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