Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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