I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
