Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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