How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
