Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
