Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
