i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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