were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
