you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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