i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
