WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
should my penis look like a turkey
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
