There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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