Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
