I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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