Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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