Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
