i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize