remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
