Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
