Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
