so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
