Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's rum buckets o'clock
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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