im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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