one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
