The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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