Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
