Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize