you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
