My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
